


home, it looks like this

by butterjaehyun (taepeach)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bottom Lee Taeyong, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Neo City - The Origin, Top Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun, and taeyong's always there for him, jaehyun's insecure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2019-11-21 14:52:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18143651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taepeach/pseuds/butterjaehyun
Summary: Jaehyun’s always been an overthinker, a little too insecure, a little too hard on himself for his own good. Even after the years as a member of NCT, he still doesn’t think he’s good enough to deserve appreciation.But every step he takes, Taeyong’s always been there to catch him.This time though, it seems like Jaehyun’s slipped right through the other’s grasp, and Taeyong doesn’t think he can pull him back.





	1. 心: Kalon

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there, thank you for visiting my story!
> 
> I've finally decided to post something after a long time, and it's featuring Jaeyong, a ship I've grown to love with every piece of my soul ;u; As it's my first time writing NCT, I'm not confident about how this will turn out but I hope it'll be alright, if you ever decide to read it :")
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading, and enjoy!

 

 

_"Sometimes, all you need is to let go."_

 

 

 

 

It’s blinding when things start — the lights — glorious in the way they shine from where they’re hung high above; glistening, bright even from the shrouded corners of the stage’s wings; and dazzling, the sort that hits you like headlights in the night.

The stadium is dark where its tall walls run high, nearly pitch black and draped in shadows like a cloak of midnight, save for the rays of white that stream down from spotlights. They’re lustrous in their glory, almost as breathtaking as the midnight dome of neon green that fills the arena, an ocean of tiny specs that sparkled like a million emeralds.

Taeyong tears his gaze away from the crowd when a wave of cheers resonate through the arena, takes a step back from the curtains, and returns to the shadows of the crossover passage he’s situated at, hidden away from sight. The stage feels bigger tonight, somehow, and the pink-haired male fingers the hem of his white bomber jacket, before deciding to inch the velvet drape aside once more. There are about a few thousand people out there — they’re chanting, lyrics to the song that’s currently playing in the background.

He allows himself an exhale; he hadn’t realized he’d held his breath all this while.

_“Alright guys, you’ve got fifteen minutes before standby. Head on backstage when you’re ready, and please, no more toilet breaks.”_

The last time their manager had checked in on them had been some time ago — them, being the group — back when their coordinators were done dressing them in their stage outfits and had given them the first heads-up of the night. The group had dispersed since then, retreating to their own corners of their dressing room, doing whatever it is they need to compose themselves. Ironic it is, how tense they all still get, even after years of performing like this; two years it has been, nearly three now to be exact, but despite those numbers under their name, the notorious pre-stage nerves have never really gone away. W _ill they ever?_

Another song comes on, the same time the stage's screen flashes and the cheers get louder, and Taeyong shuts his eyes, letting himself focus on the soothing harmony of the crowd singing along. The nerves buzzing under his skin are different tonight; they're not much of the light, simple jitters that are usually easily shaken off, but rather ones more intense, lingering longer than they’re supposed to, and churn wildly in his body. He’s anxious obviously, more than usual, though it’s no surprise that he is.

It’s the night of NCT’s first ever solo concert, the first ever since their debut, and not just as NCT 127, but NCT as a whole. Sure, they've already gone through one round of the concert the day before — it’s day two tonight — but the tension in his limbs now are the very same kind that filled his veins just yesterday, when he’d been standing at this same exact spot. He feels silly to be overthinking this much, but he knows better than to let his guard down. Anything can happen when we least expect it; talk about pressure on a whole other level.

The crossover is empty when Taeyong looks back, with a curious look behind him, finding the hollow space the same way it had been minutes ago since he first claimed it. The members had still been in their room when he’d left, occupied with running through their sequences and ments that they barely noticed his exit. It calms him a little, the fact that he’s alone. He knows he shouldn’t be here right now, he should be _with_ them, getting their spirits up as a leader should — but he couldn’t help himself. He’s way too nervous to be around them, and it’s times like these that Taeyong prefers to be alone for a bit, when his chest is tight with an anxiousness he can’t hide.

No one really needs to know about the tiny mental breakdowns he gets, _sometimes_ , especially not his members.

Usually, the jitters don’t really get this bad. Usually, Taeyong’s pretty good at handling them, a fact known as the sole reason why his group members look up to him so much. But tonight, nothing’s working out for him. Because he’s alone, alone with his overthinking self, and regardless of how much he tells himself otherwise, being alone has ultimately become one of his greatest weaknesses; the rapper wraps his arms around himself, feeling achingly empty.

Hands. Taeyong misses them, the hands that used to wrap around him and hold him like he’s everything. Like he’s _worth_  everything.

But _he’s_ not here.

“....Taeyong hyung?”

Startled by the sudden call of his name, Taeyong jumps in the midst of his musing, and whirls around to the light scrape of footsteps against wooden floorboards coming from behind him. There's nothing except the faint afterglow of stage lights creeping in past through the curtains, but he catches a shadow looming from one of the passageways, approaching him as the steps get closer; he recognizes it. It’s Mark.

“Oh, hey Mark,” Taeyong answers back, almost flusteredly. “What... brings you here?”

One would call it second nature, how Taeyong’s body goes into auto-pilot and puts up this whole skittish front before he can stop himself, like what he’s doing now. The smile his lips curve into feels about as stiff as the rest of him, but if his band member notices it, he doesn’t point it out. No, he’s sure Mark noticed.

“Sorry did I... is this a bad time?”

The younger had stopped a considerable distance from where Taeyong is, as though he thought he’d intruded on something, hesitance written all over his face.

It’s enough for Taeyong to let his guise melt away. “No, not at all. What‘s up?”

“I was looking for you,” Mark says, rather hushedly. “I mean, we all were. We’re lining up out front in a few.”

“O-Oh, sorry I was just—” He cuts himself off, unsure of what to say. “I’ll join you guys in a minute. I just need to get some air for a while, you can go ahead.”

Mark manages a tight-lipped nod. “...Oh, okay.”

It isn’t exactly a lie, albeit a lame excuse. Taeyong doesn’t have the heart to lie to Mark, but he doesn’t want to worry the other with the truth either. He half expects Mark to leave after that, but the latter doesn’t, only staying where he is with a conflicted look like he has something more to say. And Taeyong knows he does, so he keeps his eyes on him, waiting.

“What is it, Mark?”

“It’s uh, nothing really...” Mark starts, shifting his weight slightly and looking extremely uncomfortable. “I just — you’re okay, right? I mean, you’re... you’ve been well?”

The words leave Taeyong blinking in surprise. “Of course, why do you ask?”

“N-No reason. I’ve just been noticing that you’ve gone off on your own a lot these days, and you’re quieter than usual, and...” Mark pauses, unmistakably in a war with himself whether he should keep going or not, but Taeyong gives him a nod in encouragement, urging him on.

He could almost feel the physical struggle in Mark's words when he lets them out, “I don't know if it's my place to ask, but it’s just... Jaehyun hyung’s been distant too.”

_So they’d noticed_ , Taeyong thinks, holding back a flinch from hearing the name Mark utters. _It’s not just me._

“Are you two... fighting again?”

Taeyong nearly misses the question from how softly Mark spoke, but it seems to echo in the empty air between them, and Mark visibly recoils the moment the words leave his mouth, the regret in his eyes clear yet so is his curiosity. The leader smiles appreciatively at him. He always cares.

“Well, technically we’re not, because in literal terms fighting requires conversation, and we haven’t properly spoken to each other in a while,” Taeyong speaks before he can stop himself, his tone coming out more bitter than he’d intended to. Realizing what he’d said from the worry on Mark’s face, he scrambles to rephrase his words. “I mean, we didn’t argue or anything. If that’s what you’re wondering about.”

“O-oh, okay. That’s...good.” The younger trails off, obviously not believing a single word Taeyong said, from the uncertainty still visible in his tense frame.

Letting out a sigh, Taeyong decides to drop his act, seeing no point to keep up hiding his frown. “Is he... out there with everyone else now?”

“Yeah, like _finally_ ,” says Mark, sounding positively lighter. “I was getting worried when he locked himself in the bathroom for like, ten whole minutes just now before Johnny and Yuta hyung dragged him out for their wacky backstage interview thing, and after they left I tried to talk to him, y’know to hang out but he said he wanted to be alone, and I found it weird because... he never says that kind of stuff. And I just, I dunno, got worried. I thought he was nervous at first, but I’ve never seen him look so... lost.”

If Taeyong had thought hearing his name had been difficult enough, then listening to Mark’s rambling with a straight face is near impossible. He runs a hand through his gelled up hair, pondering his next words carefully.

“Honestly? I’m worried about him too.”

He’s never talked about it before. Not to his members, not to the managers, not to anyone, but right now it seems like he didn’t need to after all; he’s sure, at least some of them have seen it themselves.

In the reality of things, the reality of the life of an idol, there are some codes of conduct that are more commonly accepted as ‘norms’ more than others. Most of them — not necessarily good ones — Taeyong’s guilty of himself; it’s not out of the ordinary for idols to stay behind in the confinements of their studios, to spend extra time practicing until the wee hours or more. This, Taeyong definitely knows well. But out of the entire NCT, he’s usually the one that needed to be taken care of, the one that needed to be nagged at and physically dragged out to take a break— not Jaehyun. Not the man that had been his best friend, his longtime crush for the past couple of years — and now his loving boyfriend — _not him_.

Yet that’s what’s been happening lately.

It was a month ago when everything started, when Taeyong first noticed the changes in Jaehyun’s behavior. Of course, the vocalist has always been hardworking, all of them are; but he’s taking it to the extreme. There were too many nights, Taeyong counted, that Jaehyun stayed out past midnight only for the leader to find out he’s been spending those hours in their dance room, alone, without a word of it to him. (He apparently only told Johnny, who confided in Taeyong.) It wasn’t something new to him actually, but the fact that Jaehyun didn’t tell him about it, is what confused him. They _always_ told each other everything. So why had Jaehyun kept this from him?

At first, Taeyong didn’t think much of it. He tried to understand — their first concert was coming, everyone’s pressured, and needless to say, everyone had their own way of coping. This was Jaehyun’s, Taeyong knew, and he doesn’t comment about it, because he’s exactly the same.

On those days, they would stay behind together, knowing each other’s habits better than they knew themselves, and waited up no matter how tired they were to make sure the other's not overworking from stress. The turning point came when Taeyong had a separate schedule one day, and returned home late only to find that Jaehyun wasn’t home either, before finding him asleep in the practice room at 2 in the morning. It didn’t stop there; he sees it, the way Jaehyun’s face and hips get slimmer, that he’s been skipping meals, barely been sleeping, and the growing dark circles under his eyes only served to trouble Taeyong further.

Taeyong knows something’s up with Jaehyun, but he never got to find out what it is, because all Jaehyun tells him is “ _I’m fine_.”

When Jaehyun’s not busy avoiding him, that is. Jaehyun’s never been _this_ distant, never avoided him so openly, and that’s what hurts Taeyong the most.

But he doesn’t know what to do.

“Has he been avoiding you too?” Mark supplies, when Taeyong doesn’t speak up for a while, and the elder realizes he’d spaced out.

Afraid that Mark would catch the worry in his eyes, Taeyong lowers his gaze to the ground, before nodding meekly.

Mark shifts again, biting his lip. “Well, I don’t know about you, but from what I think, whatever Jaehyun hyung’s going through... I think the only person he’ll open up to is you.”

“I’ve been trying to talk to him, Mark,” Taeyong sighs exasperatedly, shaking his head. “But he brushes me off every time, and I don’t want to force him to tell me if he’s not up for it so I don’t push it.”

“Maybe that’s it,” he points out. “What if that’s what he needs? For you to push? I mean, we all know how stubborn he is, whenever he’s dealing with stuff. He won’t admit it, and he will probably lie his ass off, but like I said, even if he may be pushing all of us away, I really, really think that what he needs more than anything else right now, is you.”

Taeyong wants to deny it. He wants to tell him no, things aren’t that simple, but he doesn’t answer in the end, though deep down he considers the last words he’d heard, somewhat taken aback by Mark’s unexpected honesty. He can’t bring himself to, but he knows that his member is right; at least, about Jaehyun being a stubborn little prick. The part about him needing Taeyong? He’s not so sure.

What he _is_ sure about though, is that he’s _this_ close to losing Jaehyun.

Mark clears his throat. “I think we should uh, get going,” he says then, going back to his awkward and antsy self when Taeyong doesn’t say any more. “The show’s about to start, our managers are gonna freak if we’re late.”

Still, they don’t move for a while, despite the younger’s statement. Mark looks about ready to bolt out on his own, but he stays put, and doesn’t question the slight smile that crosses his leader’s face; Taeyong feels like the biggest liar in the world for the front he puts up, yet at the same time, he thinks it’s just easier that way.

At this point, all he’s wishing for is to forget about the gaping hole in his chest. _But he can’t._

“...Yeah,” he whispers, and shoves his hands into his pockets. “Let’s go.”

The good thing about Mark is that he’s not one to dwell on matters, something Taeyong is thankful for as they make their way off, falling into step wordlessly through the passages and the conversation is left hanging in the air like it never happened. Not that Taeyong wishes it hadn’t, he’s just glad it’d been Mark who’d found him.

When they spot the group ahead, they're lining up like Mark had said they would, up by the stage lifts where they are to make their supposed entrance. They're chatting among themselves as always, and barely notice them approaching. Johnny’s got everyone immersed in a joke, to soothe the nerves radiating from Jungwoo. Doyoung’s mocking him with a funny face, along with Yuta and Haechan. Taeil’s muttering to himself amidst the laughter, probably revising the lyrics to their songs.

Naturally taking on his role, Taeyong does a head count; almost everyone’s present, and that’s when he spots him. The one standing just a little out of their circle, head hung low with arms folded around himself. Unable to resist a scoff, Taeyong thinks about how ironic it is, how tall Jaehyun is yet in that moment, he looks so dishearteningly small, small enough to be hidden from where he stands behind the other members. It’s so foreign to see the younger like that; Jaehyun’s never been quiet as a person, and Taeyong wonders how the rest don’t notice it.

Or maybe they have. And they just aren’t showing it.

So Jaehyun’s been avoiding them too.

_Maybe that’s it. What if that’s what he needs? For you to push? I mean, we all know how stubborn he is, whenever he’s dealing with stuff. He won’t admit it, and he will probably lie his ass off, but like I said, even if he may be pushing all of us away, I really, really think that what he needs more than anything else right now, is you_

“Jaehyun?”

It’s apparent that his presence hadn’t been felt, from the way the younger is startled by his voice, despite how it had been soft enough no one else hears it as Taeyong had intended. The elder has always been like that, whenever he’s physically close to Jaehyun at times when they’re not alone; shy, reserved. They have been dating for whole year now, but Taeyong, being _Taeyong_ , hasn’t opened up a lot about their relationship. He still doesn’t quite believe it, that he’s able to call a man like Jaehyun his, and all the more so when they’re constantly surrounded by extremely _nosy_ audiences. Though, standing in front of him right now, he doesn’t think he’d even mind if they’re being watched.

He just needs to be with Jaehyun. _Jaehyun_ needs him.

“Hey,” Taeyong starts again, lips curving into a soft smile as Jaehyun’s gaze falls on him. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. I was... wondering why you’re standing here by yourself.”

It's short-lived, so to say, the instance that their eyes meet, but it takes everything Taeyong has not to shudder, not to give in to how hard his heart sways at the contact; like this, with his dark brown hair swept back and looking dashing in his stage outfit, Jaehyun takes his breath away, like he does every. _Single_. _Time_.

“I-It’s alright,” Jaehyun manages. “I was just, trying to go over some lyrics and formations. You know, in case I forget any, since we had time.”

A hand slips into Jaehyun’s, one relatively smaller than his own yet just as tender. A smile graces the brunette’s lips at the little gesture, but Taeyong doesn’t miss the emptiness in his expression, one that’s almost as blank as his eyes. Still, he doesn’t back down; he takes a step closer, curling his fingers to intertwine them with his, and suppresses the growing urge to lean into Jaehyun’s chest. God, he missed this, missed _him_. So fucking much.

“Sounds like you’ve been at it the whole day,” Taeyong says with a light chuckle, in attempt to raise the mood a little.

They’re talking in hushed whispers, completely aware of the numerous pairs of eyes around them. Taeyong fights back a sigh. He wishes they were alone in their waiting room right now, where he wouldn’t have to hold back on anything.

Raising his other hand, he smoothens his palms over his boyfriend’s, rubbing the clammy skin tenderly. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah, just nervous,” Jaehyun replies, short and brief. He has his head down when he does, attention fixated on their clasped hands instead. He’s afraid to look up, to be honest, knowing that if he catches just one look of Taeyong’s eyes he would melt right into him. Not that he doesn’t want to; he’s tempted to wrap his arms around Taeyong, tempted to just give in and melt into his touch, but decides to tighten his grip on the other’s fingers since he _can’t_.

“Hey now, I’m sure you’ll be fine, Jae,” Taeyong repeats, leaning closer. “You were amazing enough yesterday, you’ll be even better today. I’m sure of it.”

Jaehyun responds with another strained smile. “...That’s what I’m hoping for. Thanks, I guess.”

He doesn’t like it, the obvious tension that’s laced in Jaehyun’s voice and the faraway look in his eyes that gives Taeyong a pretty clear idea on what he’s truly hiding. But before he could get a chance to say anything more, their concert crew had begun to stream into the area, and almost instantly, Jaehyun withdraws his hand from Taeyong’s so fast the other could barely register it. Just like that, Jaehyun steps away, slipping out of Taeyong’s reach as if the last couple of minutes had never happened. And it hurt worse than a brutal slap in the face.

“Alright, standby in two minutes!”

Maybe Taeyong should’ve done something, something other than swallowing down the burning tension in his chest. Something other than blinking away the wetness that threatened to spill from his eyes. Something other than letting the love of his life walk away from him again, like he’d done many times before.

He should have done something. Maybe then, he would have noticed.

Would have noticed from the unusual amount of sweat gathering around Jaehyun’s nape, despite how the concert hadn’t even started; would have noticed the odd warmth of Jaehyun’s palms the moment he touched them; would have noticed the alabaster tone of his skin wasn’t because of any shade of foundation he’d used.

He _should’ve_ noticed, from the very first stumble Jaehyun had while they were heading up the stage that he is _not_ okay. Jaehyun rarely stumbles, even at the peak of his exhaustion and clumsiness it never happens more than twice. But throughout their performances, Taeyong’s been watching, been counting, and it’s the fifth time he’s catching the usually agile dancer tripping over himself, looking less and less in control of his movements. His cheeks are dusted pink against his pale skin, and the worry builds in Taeyong so intensely it’s like he could explode.

Everything else after that passes in a blur — the rest of the concert, the final ments they recite before it ends, the last moments of their encore song before the stage lift brings them back down again, and that’s when he breaks. It happens so fast he doesn’t react for a while, but chaos ensues the second Jaehyun gets off the platform and collapses right onto his knees in the middle of the group. There’s shouting, cries of shock as people come in from left and right to surround the boy, picking him up and asking him what’s wrong.

_Step away!_ He hears their manager say. _He’s burning up, give him space!_

Stylists push through with fans hovered all over Jaehyun’s face, wet towels to press onto his body. He’s brought to their waiting room, furniture shoved aside and he’s laid on the carpeted ground. Orders are being shouted around, bodies moving frantically to tend to the motionless boy, but Taeyong’s not one of them.

He doesn’t move from where he stands by the door, disbelief still written all over his face and paralyzed from head to toe. He doesn’t know what to do, or what he _can_ do, so he just stares.

Even when his members call for him, he says nothing

There’s nothing he can do, because it’s too late.

He’s too late.


	2. 忍; Eunoia

 

 

Noises.

Jaehyun remembers noises before he hit the ground, before he fell over so hard he was sure he’d split his knees open. He remembers screaming, crying, worried calls of his name and blurry figures moving all around him, before it faded into nothing. There’s only silence, nothing but static and darkness when he finally opens his eyes, and finds himself having the worst headache ever; it’s like someone’s pounding on him with a sledgehammer.

He rises from the bed he’s lying on, letting the blanket drop from his shoulders and bunch around his hips. As he does, something falls onto his lap from where it had been draped over his forehead — a small towel, barely damp and nearly dry. It’s a while before his sight adjusts to the lack of light, but despite the dimness, he recognizes the room he’s in. It’s his own.

“...Hyuck?” He calls out, only to receive no response. Jaehyun peers over to the bed just across his; it’s empty, though unkempt, like someone’s used it. _Someone’s been here with him._

Jaehyun bites back a groan, and turns in search of his phone, flinching slightly from the soreness in his muscles. The iPhone’s placed atop his bedside table, and he grabs it to unlock the screen; it's way past 3am. He wonders where his roommate could be at this hour, how he even ended up back in his room without any recollection of it, until he sees the first text notification on his list.

 

**From: Manager hyung**

_(11.32pm): Please, text me as soon as you wake up. Need to know ur ok._

_(11.39pm): And Jae, don't worry about the fans or articles that pop up, we got it covered._

 

It all comes back to him then — the concert, his fever, the fainting.

_Fuck_ , he thinks. He’d fainted in front of _everybody_.

Jaehyun stiffens as the wave comes crashing over him, the anxiety that’s built up in his body from the memory that hits him, and a familiar tension takes over him like it had just hours ago — it floods through his veins, makes his blood run cold and fills his chest with a sickening tightness. He couldn’t believe it; how the hell did it happen? He'd been fine, hadn't he? How did he end up-

The brunette fists the font of his t-shirt, struggling to keep his breaths steady. He forces down the suffocating lump that’s clawing up his throat, heart racing so vehemently it's like thunder to his ears.

It’ll be a lie if Jaehyun said he truly had no idea why he passed out. He drops his face to his hands, going back to the last thing he’d remembered, the mirage of people yelling around him. God, everyone must’ve been so worried, and it’s all because of him; they didn’t deserve that, not on the last day of their Seoul concert. It was supposed to be a happy day, they should’ve been out celebrating or something, not dealing with accidents like this— and thinking about it makes him feel like shit. None of this should have even happened. _Why am I such a burden?_

Jaehyun takes a full five minutes to decide, but he eventually pushes himself out of bed, unable to ignore the guilt prodding away at his conscience. The first thoughts that cross him are of his members, they must’ve been waiting all night for him to wake up, like how they always do whenever any one of them get sick. He should see them at least, to let them know he’s okay. The last thing he'd ever want is for them to be fussing over him, but he stops right at the door before he could turn the knob.

It’s 3am. Are any of them even awake?

_Guess I'll have to find out_ , he thinks, and without a second thought, he pushes the door open as quietly as he can, and steps out into the dark, noiseless hallway.

Perhaps he had expected the dorm to be empty. It should’ve been empty, considering how late it is. A part of him lets the hope console his conscience for a bit as he ventures further into the dorm, but just as he passes the last bedroom door and enters the living room, he finds a faint glow coming from the kitchen, followed by the distinct sound of metal clanking and a sink running. Jaehyun doesn’t get to consider who he’d rather find on the other side, because before he does, it’s Taeyong who comes into view; at the sight of him, the younger stops dead in his tracks, and rushes to take cover behind a wall before his leader could see him. Cowering into himself as much as he can, he prays that he hadn’t been caught, and takes a peak after a minute, only to relax upon finding Taeyong’s back facing him. Well, that was close. _But what the hell is Taeyong doing here?_

He's been cooking, it seems, from the smell that drifts through the dorm and the bowls that are placed on the dining table. Jaehyun can’t even begin to imagine why Taeyong would be up this late, _cooking_ of all things, but he tells himself he’d rather not find out. He can’t do this, he’s not ready to see Taeyong yet, doesn’t think he’ll ever be ready to face the one person he’s been trying so hard to avoid the last couple of weeks, so he decides against it, and just panics. _Tomorrow it is then._

Though as it turns out, his body doesn’t agree with him, as he nearly knocks over a vacuum cleaner while trying to escape.

“Jaehyun?” comes Taeyong’s surprised voice behind him, and Jaehyun curses under his breath, picking the vacuum up with a slight grimace. Yes, _the universe is messing with him._

“H-Hey,” Jaehyun manages to reply, pretending like he hadn’t just thought of running away. He straightens, and turns to face Taeyong awkwardly.

“What are you…doing?” The feeling appears to be mutual with the way Taeyong’s looking at him, hesitant like he doesn’t know what to say or do, and unconsciously it pricks at Jaehyun’s heart a little. They’ve never been like this around each other.

“I uh, heard some noises coming from outside when I woke up, and I just…wanted to see what it was,” Jaehyun says. Not completely a lie, but Taeyong doesn’t have to know that.

“Oh, did I wake you?” Taeyong’s brows rise in alarm. “Sorry I didn’t… know I was being that loud.”

“O-Oh no I-I didn’t mean it like that,” Jaehyun quickly ammends. “I mean, I was already awake, and I just- Sorry. I’m not making any sense, am I?”

Where there once had been a frown, Taeyong’s lips now curved into a small smile. He looks tired, to say the least, though the softness in his eyes is full of warmth, full of love. It sends a flutter up Jaehyun’s chest. “It’s fine. How are you... feeling?”

“...Better,” he mumbles, and in some way he truly does, just from seeing Taeyong again.

“That’s good.”

Silence fills the space between them once more, as the two of them glance past each other, not knowing where to look but wanting to avoid meeting the other’s eyes at the same time. Taeyong’s the first to speak up again, after clearing his throat.

“I thought you might be hungry when you woke up, so I prepared some food.” He gestures towards the bowls on the table between them. “I wasn’t sure what you’d be up for, but I made sure to make something light so… there’s beef bone broth, and some porridge. Or if you’d like something else I can make it to, whatever you want. Just name it.”

If finding Taeyong here in the dead of night was surprising enough, then Jaehyun’s in pure disbelief over what he’d just heard; he could only stare, eyes flitting back and forth from the food bowls to the small, yet beautiful man standing in front of him, wearing a soft smile despite the obvious fatigue in his features. He still doesn’t believe it, has _never_ believed it, how lucky he is to be loved by a man as kind as Taeyong.

_I don’t deserve him._

“I’ll… have whatever you made,” Jaehyun says, making sure he sounds appreciative, because _fuck_ , Taeyong deserves to be appreciated. “Thank you, you didn’t have to but, thank you.”

The leader only gives him another sheepish smile. “It’s okay, I wanted to.”

Jaehyun doesn't move right away, but he eventually comes around to sit down by the table and takes one of the bowls of food. Taeyong watches as he does, before he decides to settle down across him and picks up a bowl of his own. Jaehyun, who had been following his movements, lets another thought dawn on him. He hasn’t eaten either?

“Hyung?” Jaehyun calls, earning a soft hum from Taeyong, and waits for him to look up before speaking again, “Why were you up at this time? You know, before this.”

“I couldn’t sleep,” Taeyong shrugs, sipping on a spoonful of broth.

The younger pushes around the porridge in his bowl. “I... found Donghyuck’s bed empty when I woke up. Did he…go somewhere?”

“He’s in Johnny’s room, sleeping.”

“Oh?” That could only mean… “You switched rooms with him?”

The question seemed to bother Taeyong in a way, because the pink-haired male suddenly stills. “Yeah, well... the poor kid was freaking out because he didn’t know how to take care of a sick hyung,” he said, before muttering under his breath, “We thought you’d be more at ease if you’re around me, so we switched. Sorry if you minded.”

“W-wait, that's not what I—” Jaehyun trails off, at a loss of what to say. He looks down at his bowl, avoiding Taeyong’s eyes. “I don't mind at all. I was just wondering.”

They resume their quiet motions then, of cutlery clinking and hushed chewing without any more words, pretending to be engrossed in the food on the table. Or rather, most of the eating comes from Taeyong’s end. Jaehyun doesn’t eat much, and only continues to pick at his porridge with his spoon. When he decides he’s had enough of it, Taeyong finally sighs.

“I can hear you thinking all the way from here, Jae,” he says, exhaustion laced in his voice. “What’s on your mind?”

“N-Nothing,” Jaehyun lies, and momentarily glances towards Taeyong. He sees he’s almost done eating, and lets out a sigh of his own. “I just… You don’t have to wait for me. Go and rest, I’ll be fine here.”

As if Taeyong expected this, he dismisses Jaehyun nonchalantly. “It’s cool, I need to do the dishes anyway.”

Jaehyun shakes his head. “It’s all right, hyung. I’ll wash up. Just go ahead first, I’ll be done in a bit.”

“Jaehyun, I said it’s fine,” the other insists. “We can sleep in tomorrow anyways, our schedules are cleared for the next two days.”

And to that, Jaehyun has nothing else to say, leaving him shrinking into himself as he continues to play with his food. He bites on his lower lip as he does so, eyes fixated on a stain on the table. Taeyong eyes him with knowing look; he doesn’t want to bring it up, but the words leave him before he can stop himself.

“Trying to get rid of me now, are you?”

Jaehyun looks up, startled. “W-What? N-No, hyung, I’m not- it’s just, late and you look tired. A-And you stayed up to cook, it’s only fair that I clean up. I-I don’t want to keep you up later than it already is.”

Taeyong almost feels bad over how unsettled Jaehyun looks, with wavering eyes and all composure slipping from him. But he’s looking at him now, and Taeyong decides there’s no point in hiding it any longer. He’s not going to lose Jaehyun anymore.

“The last time I left you on your own when you wanted me to, you collapsed from over-exhaustion and a fever. So I hope you get it when I say I’m not going to leave you alone anymore, Jaehyun.”

There’s no hostility, no harshness in the way Taeyong speaks, but Jaehyun doesn’t miss the bitterness in the elder’s eyes when he does. It’s soft, the slight smile Taeyong has on his face, yet it’s as sullen as the rest of his expression is. He can feel it; Taeyong’s disappointed. With him. In _himself_.

“Do you want the rest of that?”

Taeyong’s strained words break Jaehyun out of his musing, and he blinks at the leader in confusion. “What?”

He's not smiling anymore. Taeyong nods towards the bowl of uneaten porridge; Jaehyun barely had half of it.

“O-Oh, I-I-”

“If you don’t want it just say it, Jaehyun. Don’t force yourself to hide things from me.”

“H-Hyung-”

“How much longer are you going to keep avoiding me?”

It surprises him how direct Taeyong's being, appearing more and more upset as the seconds tick by. Jaehyun on the other hand, is rendered speechless from the question hurled at him. He remains silent, letting guilt suffocate him from the inside over how hurt Taeyong sounds. _Taeyong’s hurt_ , and it’s because of him.

He looks up again when he hears another sigh, then a chair is being dragged, and he sees Taeyong getting up from his seat.

“Nevermind, forget it. Forget I said anything. I’m gonna get my stuff from my room. Finish up and go to bed quickly. I’ll see you there.”

At this point, Taeyong is pretty much done with how the night's turned out between them. Heck, he's still worried as hell for his boyfriend, after all that's happened with his fainting and the avoidance, but he's not one to miss a hint when he's given one; Jaehyun doesn't want him around, and he gets it. He doesn't accept it, but he _gets_ it.

Frankly, Taeyong's tired of this, tired of pushing himself into a place where he's not needed, not _wanted_. It's not that he's given up on Jaehyun, or on them; he's just tired of being disappointed every time he's pushed away, every time he hopes Jaehyun would finally talk to him, only to be left feeling crushed and helpless all over again. So he's done, he decides, for the night. He would try again tomorrow.

But Taeyong had barely taken more than five steps out from the kitchen before he hears another chair being knocked aside, and a heartbeat later, there's a hand latching itself around his wrist, stopping him right in his tracks. He freezes upon the contact, knowing exactly who is it standing right behind him, when the movement stuns him.

“Jaehyun-” Taeyong starts, too startled to turn around, but then he’s cut off by a strangled whisper that's just as loud as a scream in his ears.

“…Don’t go.”

It’s amazing, Taeyong thinks, how quickly Jaehyun can make him feel one thing, and then another in a matter of seconds. He feels Jaehyun’s grip tighten around his wrist; the younger is hesitating, but eventually he slumps forward, and drops his head over Taeyong’s shoulder in defeat. He’s shaking, breath hitching like he’s struggling to breathe, heart thumping so violently Taeyong can feel it from where Jaehyun's chest is pressed up to his back. The fingers on holding onto him are so tight Taeyong swears they’ll leave marks on his skin, but Jaehyun’s trembling form is all he can focus on.

“Don’t go,” he says again, more urgent than before, “ _Please_ , don’t go.”

_This_  is new. It's not that Taeyong's never had anyone break down like this in front of him before, he's just not _used_ to it, not good at dealing with it, and certainly not right now when it's coming from Jaehyun — Jaehyun, who’s always appeared so strong, so capable to the eyes of the world, to _him_. Taeyong doesn’t know how to react to his boyfriend literally falling apart before him, but his heart shatters when the first sob spills past Jaehyun’s lips; he’s _breaking_.

“Jaehyun? Hey, Jae. Baby.” The moment Taeyong turns, it’s like Jaehyun’s composure slips right out the window, and the brunette’s arms are around Taeyong immediately, catching his small figure desperately in the way they cling onto his waist, as if his life depended on it. Another sob rips right out of his chest, and Jaehyun cowers further into Taeyong, burying his face into the curve of his shoulder as the first stream of tears begin to spill, soaking the white shirt Taeyong’s wearing. Taeyong stumbles back from the force of Jaehyun’s actions, but he doesn’t pull away, instead brings his arms up to wrap around Jaehyun’s shaking figure in return.

“Jaehyun, hey,” Taeyong starts, flustered by the unexpected turn of events. _He’s still crying_. “Jae I’m not— I’m just getting my blanket. I forgot it earlier when Hyuck and I switched rooms, so r-relax. I’m not— I’m not leaving you in that way.”

His words do nothing to console Jaehyun, whose body doesn’t stop quivering. His sobs have started to let up slightly, but Taeyong knows it’s just him trying to hold back; he can feel Jaehyun’s hands fisting the back of his shirt, as he struggles to ground himself with Taeyong’s very presence.

“Jae, baby, I’m here,” he whispers, feeling the moisture building up in his own eyes, “I’m _here_.”

Taeyong’s voice had always been soft, warm like the rays of dawn and soothing like honey, just as his delicate hands are when they shift to clutch onto Jaehyun’s shoulders, ones that are carefully nudging him to ease up and let go. Jaehyun isn’t ready to, but with that one tug all the strength in his limbs give way, and he lets Taeyong draw him back a step, though he keeps his head hung low. His bangs cast shadows over his eyes, hiding the tears that are still flowing from them, but then there are fingers grazing themselves over the slope of his cheek, tender as they trace the taut creases along his face, before Taeyong brushes aside the dark brown locks. It’s gentle, so, _so_ gentle, the way his fingers curl into his hair, that Jaehyun can’t help but lean into the touch instinctively, craving for the warmth he very much needed, the warmth he very much missed.

“Jaehyun, please, look at me.”

It doesn’t take much for Jaehyun to surrender to Taeyong, not when he's everything that has him unwinding him right away, and with a shuddering sigh, he finally opens his eyes. They’re blotched with red, slightly puffy from exhaustion and crying, and the wetness has them sparkling under the low light of the kitchen; still, Jaehyun’s eyes are beautiful that way, even if they're dreary and broken. They take Taeyong’s breath away like the first time he falls in love.

“Jaehyun—”

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun lets out, sounding so miserably small, but Taeyong catches it amidst the shaky breaths that muffle his words. “I’m sorry I-I didn’t mean to—”

“Stop,” Taeyong shushes him, and he brings his other hand up to cup the side of his face. He’s pressed up right against Jaehyun now, foreheads touching and noses brushing momentarily as he holds the younger close to him. Jaehyun’s eyes shut once more. “Don’t be. Don’t say anything, just... breathe.”

And so Jaehyun does, with hands still clutching onto Taeyong’s shirt, chasing the taste of solace that’s right at his fingertips. He tugs his boyfriend's body impossibly closer, focusing on the steady breaths being pressed to his chest, savoring the calming lull of it to try and control his own. Taeyong lets himself be enveloped by the stronger male without question, only reciprocating with his own embrace, and Jaehyun sighs against Taeyong’s cheek, reeling in the feeling of warm fingers grazing lines of comfort along the back of his neck.

Taeyong doesn’t know how long it takes him, but he feels Jaehyun quieten around him after some time, and he drags a thumb over the corner of his eye, just above his temple, a silent message that Jaehyun gets. He opens his eyes, and a shudder wracks through him from how intensely Taeyong is staring at him. Ironic as it sounds, Jaehyun’s never felt tinier than he does when he’s under that gaze; small, and vulnerable, like all his walls have crumbled for the world to see every miserable secret he keeps locked away in his heart. Taeyong’s always had that effect on him; he’s the only one who can really see right through him.

“I think,” Taeyong starts, lips curving into a small smile, “you should take a shower first, then we can talk.” He pauses to rephrase himself, “Not that you need to, I mean- you might want to, since you... fainted right after the concert and we brought you back here to rest immediately. So you... haven’t yet. Showered, I mean. Do you want to?”

Jaehyun doesn’t respond at first, simply keeping his hold on Taeyong, but the elder waits, encouraging him to take it easy with his eyes. After what feels like forever, he manages a nod.

“Okay.”

Taeyong doesn’t know which was more heartbreaking — the fact that Jaehyun was still putting up a front with him, or the fact that he’d never seen the younger this miserable before. Whatever it is, it just hurts, and he's certain Jaehyun is still wrecking himself on the inside.

Taeyong drops one of his hands to slip into Jaehyun’s. “Okay then, I’ll go with you.”

He should have expected things wouldn’t be this easy, and he does expect it, how Jaehyun freezes up to his touch this time, how he sees Jaehyun’s walls physically coming back up to close around him again. He’s quick to turn and look away from Taeyong, causing the latter to panic for a moment, though despite himself, he doesn’t reject Taeyong’s hold.

“I-It's fine, you don’t have to,” Jaehyun says, the conflict clear as daylight in his eyes. “You should go to sleep, I’m sorry, I-I shouldn’t have stopped you-”

“Jae,” Taeyong sighs wearily. “It’s okay, I’m not leaving you.”

Jaehyun shakes his head, already starting to pull away but Taeyong reaches out just as he does, and takes both of his hands with a pleading look.

“ _Jaehyun_ , I said, I’m _not_ leaving you.”

Maybe it's the way he says it, the way his voice is laced with finality and the raw sincerity in his words; or maybe it's the desperation of his grip that has Jaehyun stopping. Once more, he is drawn to Taeyong’s eyes — the warm, beautiful, heartfelt eyes that are looking at him with all the love in the world — and it takes everything in him not to start breaking down again. He doesn't say anything, but he doesn't need to, because Taeyong understands.

Because he knows all his fears, all his flaws and all his insecurities, even better than Jaehyun knows himself, and Taeyong’s the one who still loves him unconditionally regardless of them. He's so lucky, he thinks, so fucking lucky to be loved like this, to be _in love_ like this, and he's not going to forget it, the way Taeyong smiles adoringly at him then, like he does every time before he leans in to give him a kiss.

Maybe tonight, he decides, the universe doesn’t hate him so much after all.

_Because Taeyong still loves him._

“Come on,” Taeyong says, beaming right against Jaehyun’s lips. “Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much happens here except some angst and major internal confliction, but I can't help myself with my tendency to ramble whenever I write :")  
> Lol who'm I kidding, Jaeyong ruins every piece of my miserable soul ;u;;;;;  
> Stay tuned for the last part hehe, and enjoy!


	3. 忠; Serenity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and after all these months, here it is ;u;
> 
> this is basically 3k of soft angst + another 4k of unexpected smut asfksgds i'm long winded af but i hope it's worth the wait for you :"DDD

 

 

It’s a miracle really, how the dorm is still quiet as it had been, when the creak of a door resonates through the shared apartment way past the strike of 4am despite the evident ruckus that had ensued barely a while prior. That aside, it’s an even bigger miracle that for once, no one gets up to use the bathroom or grab a late-night snack through the wee hours. Not even Donghyuk, like everyone knows something is up, and the world is playing its cards just the way it should be.

_(Or maybe they're all already awake, and are just pretending not to be.)_

The two have retreated back to Jaehyun’s room for the night, careful as they sneaked about through the hallways, and they’re sitting side by side on the bed at last, all dressed and pleasantly sated from their long, much-needed shower. Back in the too-tiny space, they’d taken their time with each other, are _still_ taking their time now as they climb under Jaehyun’s sheets, but the minutes tick by with an unspoken intent hanging between them — they feel it in their bones, the jaded drag of tiredness weighing on them, yet they fight it in their own way, wanting nothing more than to spend just a second longer in each other’s company.

 _Finally_ , they think. They’ve been apart for far too long.

“Hey, are you falling asleep on me?” Taeyong asks, when they’ve seemingly settled down next to each other, a slight pout crossing his lips. He's got a black t-shirt on, one that happens to be too big for him (because it's Jaehyun's, but he loves it anyway when Taeyong wears his clothes) and it hangs loosely over his delicate, lithe shoulders.

“Nope,” replies Jaehyun, though his fluttering eyes betray him. “But if you keep this up, then maybe I will.”

Presently, Taeyong has a towel up in Jaehyun’s hair, fingers gentle as they run through the wet strands still fresh from their shower, and he’s carefully working the beads of water out one by one, ruffling them dry. The deed is something Jaehyun would have done by himself, but Taeyong had insisted, and despite the initial refusal, he finds some sort of comfort in this change of dynamic between them; it feels nice to be taken care of like this, to be cared for by Taeyong like this, so he gives in for now, letting himself enjoy the attention for once.

Eventually, Taeyong decides he’s done, and tosses the towel away mindlessly onto the bedside table, before turning back around to submit himself to the warmth he's been waiting _weeks_ to dive into, just as Jaehyun’s arms come to slip around him from behind. Sighing in content, he shudders at the pair of lips attaching themselves along the curve of his shoulder, grazing the skin that’s uncovered by his shirt.

“Okay, as much as I'm in absolute cuddle-mood right now, I’m just kidding, so get back on your side of the bed,” says Taeyong, half-laughing as he tries to push Jaehyun's wandering mouth away from a ticklish spot on his neck. “Really Jae, it's late. You should go to sleep.”

“Mmm, later,” Jaehyun mumbles. “Just, let me hold you a little bit more.”

It’s adorable really, how Jaehyun pretty much sounds like he could fall asleep any moment right now, and not to mention, cuddling sounds too good to pass on for sleep. So Taeyong doesn't protest, doesn't do anything except comply when Jaehyun moves to lie them down over his pillows without breaking his embrace, and closes the distance between them like it’s the most natural thing ever. Shifting his head to rest against Jaehyun's chest, Taeyong's close enough to hear the steady cadence of his boyfriend’s heartbeat; the blanket is pulled over them, and he nuzzles the front of Jaehyun’s shirt, taking in the scent of peach and lavender that’s so domestically Jaehyun it calms him instantly.

Right here, Taeyong doesn't think he's ever felt this full before, how his heart is swelling with so much affection it's like it could burst.

“Jae?” Taeyong calls, in a soft whisper that tickles Jaehyun’s neck.

“Hmm?”

“Are you... feeling better?”

Jaehyun's already got his eyes on him when Taeyong looks up, those deep, raven orbs soft and inviting as they stare back. Taeyong inches forward ever so slightly, just so that he can press his forehead against Jaehyun’s.

“Yeah, now that you're here,” Jaehyun says, smiling, and slides his palms down from Taeyong's back to splay them along the curves of his waist.

“Mmm. Tired?” Taeyong adds. The younger merely nods.

“Good, you should be.”

The hands in Jaehyun's hair are curling along the back of his head, drifting towards the soft skin of his nape. He lets them wander as they please; they tuck a loose strand behind his ears, trail up the side of his face where a thumb grazes his cheek, and move down again before they stop along his jawline. For the longest minute, Taeyong simply keeps his hands there, cupping Jaehyun's face as if he's trying to memorize every inch of him.

“What are you doing?” comes the soft mumble, as Jaehyun fights the heaviness of his lids.

“Nothing, uust admiring my insanely handsome boyfriend,” Taeyong says, smiling so wide it floods Jaehyun’s entire being with warmth. “Though I think you’re losing your double chin,” he comments out of the blue, as he drags a thumb across the skin. “I don’t like it. I like it when you’re chubby and soft everywhere.”

If he's trying to raise the mood between them, it works, because Jaehyun chuckles, wide enough for his dimples to show, and he glances back at Taeyong. “I'm pretty sure it’s still there, Yong. It won’t go away no matter what I do.”

“Don’t do anything then. You’re already perfect like this, to me. To hell with everyone else who thinks overwise.”

“Now you’re just biased.” It’s meant to be a joke, but the amusement doesn’t quite meet Jaehyun’s eyes this time. He knows what Taeyong’s getting at, what he's trying to get him to do; but he’s not ready to speak up just yet.

“I’m not, Jae. I swear, you’re literally the only person in this world who can’t see how amazing you are.”

“I’m... getting better at it.” _Am I, really?_

“...Can I believe you?” Taeyong whispers. He has his gaze locked on Jaehyun, searching his expression for any signs of doubt, but he doesn’t need to look for long because the waver in Jaehyun’s eyes already gives him away. The rest of his features fall along with his smile, and the younger’s hands close into fists over Taeyong’s shirt; he doesn’t want to lie, doesn’t want to be a liar anymore, of all people not to Taeyong — yet, why is the truth so hard to talk about?

_I‘m sorry, but I just can’t even believe in myself yet._

Jaehyun ends up not saying anything, long enough for Taeyong to guess he won’t be at all, but the smaller male doesn’t push, doesn’t ask further. Taeyong merely sighs, and drops his head back to nestle against Jaehyun’s chest, breathing him in, savoring his warmth. He reaches down to catch Jaehyun’s fingers in his own, clasping them together as he holds them tightly in the space between them.

Jaehyun tries hard not to, still the moisture builds in his eyes anyway. He brings their joint hands towards him, and presses gentle kisses appreciatively over Taeyong’s bangs.

Of course, Taeyong always understands.

It's a couple of moments later that Jaehyun realizes something different about the hands that are in his, when his own fingers brush against a spot that has him pausing his movements. There’s always been something about Taeyong’s hands that Jaehyun finds fascinating, something that makes him defy everything he believes Taeyong is — small, delicate, and rather fragile; this time though, as he looks up at them, his eyes narrow curiously. The skin around Taeyong’s fingertips is greatly chapped, accompanied by rough edges of what should have been smooth nails, alongside dried, torn cuticles. Jaehyun doesn’t turn away when Taeyong stirs in his arms, and catches him staring. He reckons Taeyong would start to get up, start to pull his hands away, but he barely moves a muscle, staying exactly the way he is.

Jaehyun can’t help but wonder, so he lets the question slip out. “Have you been... biting your nails again?”

Taeyong’s fingers close up around the other’s, but he makes no effort to hide them, not like he used to. It’s like he’s been hoping for Jaehyun to notice.

“...Yeah. I’ve just, had a lot on my mind lately,” he says, and Jaehyun frowns worriedly at him, because Taeyong hasn’t bitten his nails in a long time.

“Like what?”

There’s a pause, before Taeyong lowers his voice slightly, as if what he’s about to say is physically hurting him, “...You.”

And it does feel like a punch straight through Jaehyun’s chest, piercing through his very soul.

“Hyung-”

“You really scared me today, Jae. Y-You really, _really_ scared me.”

The second the words come out, Taeyong doesn’t hesitate, doesn’t hold back anymore and he decides to let them run free. He’s had it with all this, with all the unresolved tension between them; if Jaehyun’s not going to say anything, then he will, because after tonight, he’s pretty sure there won’t be another chance for him to bring it up, to have Jaehyun where he needs him to be — right there, present and next to him, vulnerable in his lowest point.

“Why?” Taeyong asks then, and Jaehyun sighs.

 _Why_? He doesn’t even know where to begin to answer that, or what exactly Taeyong is asking.

_Why did you faint tonight? Why did you perform without telling anyone you had a fever? Why did you let yourself be overworked to the point you couldn’t even tell you were sick?_

_Why were you pushing me away?_

It’s getting too much for him to think about, making his mind teether over dangerous territory, but he knows he can’t hide now; Taeyong literally has him cornered.

“...I’m sorry,” he begins, albeit hesitantly. “For all this, for worrying you today, and every other day before that. I just... wanted to do my best for the concert, like everybody else. I didn’t want to let the team down.”

“Are you sure that’s it?” Taeyong presses, clearly not buying it. “Last time I checked, we all had the same mindset, but you’re the only one that passed out from a fever.”

It’s painfully obvious what he’s hiding, something Taeyong realizes when he catches the wave of guilt that crosses Jaehyun’s features. The thought doesn’t hit him right away, but ultimately he figures it out as soon as he recognizes that look. Because it’s happened before.

“You’ve been reading those comments again, haven’t you?”

He sees it, how Jaehyun’s forcing himself not to flinch, how he’s physically holding himself back from even breathing. Jaehyun tries his damn hardest not to let the darkness prowling its way into his mind insinuate him, but the fact that Taeyong’s here, calling him out, he’s not doing a very good job at it; he finally ends up turning away, shutting his eyes as he does. They burn with his urge to cry again.

“No, _Jaehyun_ — Don’t—” Taeyong reaches out on impulse, shifting forward to seize Jaehyun’s face in both hands, just as the younger draws away to bury himself under the sheets. Gripping onto Taeyong’s wrists in a hasty attempt to push him away, Jaehyun tries to break free, but in this state he’s too weak even against Taeyong. He doesn’t stop the other when he tugs him back around.

“Baby please, don’t hide from me,” Taeyong says, _pleads_ without restraint. “Stop pushing me away. Please, just _talk_ to me.”

The smaller male can’t help the little crack in his voice; Taeyong feels his chest clenching all over again, feels his own eyes beginning to water at the sight of Jaehyun falling apart once more before him, and he’s never felt more useless before. What is he supposed to do?

“Jaehyun—”

“I-I don’t know why I did it,” Jaehyun speaks then, as he gives up trying to fight Taeyong, and lets his tears fall free. “Go back to old habits, I mean. I-I didn’t intend to, but I just... wanted reassurance, wanted to know how I was doing in the eyes of the public, and I guess... curiosity got the better of me.”

Taeyong takes a moment to process, sorting his thoughts out. “How long ago was this?”

“A couple of months ago, I think,” Jaehyun says, carefully considering it. ”Some time before we started practicing for the concert. And then, last week, maybe.”

“Jae...” Taeyong shakes his head, visibly upset. “If you just wanted reassurance, why didn’t you just come to us? To me? Why did you... do this to yourself?”

“I just, didn’t want you to worry.”

“And you didn’t think I’d be worried about you distancing yourself away from us?”

The words sting like salt being rubbed against a freshly ruptured wound, and Jaehyun lets out a sigh, before giving in to the hands still around him. “Look, Yong... I’m sorry, you have no idea how sorry I am, but I swear, I never meant for things to go as far as they did. I know I handled it the wrong way, and you’re gonna tell me otherwise, but... it’s not all meaningless, what those comments say. Most of them are right, for one thing, about how I wasn’t... good enough, as a singer or dancer.”

Taeyong feels the agitation building up in him, “That’s so not true and you know it—”

“No, hear me out, please,” Jaehyun says. He’s forcing it out, sounding so desperate, so full of dejection it's like he’s drowning and he’s given up calling for help. Taeyong shuts up immediately.

“You know I don’t usually believe what they say. I don’t mind them as much anymore, but I only believed it this time because I personally felt like I haven’t been putting in my best lately. I mean, I saw my own fancams. I miss beats and slack off too easily when I’m tired, I don’t hit the right notes and heck, I don’t even get as many lines or parts as you, or Mark or Doyoung or Taeil hyung, but the fact I can’t even get those right should say a lot about my capabilities, shouldn’t it? So I wanted to practice more, so I wouldn’t have to disappoint anyone.”

Taeyong regards him with a helpless frown. “Jae, come on, don’t say that. You’re not a disappointment, okay? You’re not, and you didn’t disappoint anyone. So what if you’ve made a few mistakes sometimes? You literally killed the stages throughout our concert. Seriously, you put your whole self out there, have you even heard how crazily the entire stadium cheered for you every time you came out? And when you sang your heart out on your parts? You even trended on twitter after the show last night. Like, you just did _so_ well, Jae, and I’m pretty sure at least a few thousand people agree with me on that.”

“But I slipped a couple of times. And nearly crashed into Doyoung hyung during our part switches. I even broke our damn lightstick.”

“Well, I did too, so I’d say we’re even,” Taeyong remarks, mostly to make Jaehyun feel a little better about himself amidst the cloud of negative thoughts swirling in his head, but the other doesn’t seem assuaged by it. “Look, Jae... I get it. I know things get tough sometimes. And when they do, we’ll all naturally feel really shitty about ourselves. Sure, maybe you think you’ve made some mistakes, but you, Jaehyun, you’re nothing like those stupid comments say. Making mistakes, having limits... it’s all part of being human, and like everyone else, there’s only so much we can accomplish at a time, because at the end of the day, that’s just what we are, _human_. So... don’t be so hard on yourself, and like I said, if you just wanted to practice more, you could have come to any of us. We could have helped you, you didn’t have to go through any of that that alone.”

Jaehyun shrinks further into himself. “I wanted to, I really did, but you were all stressed over the concert as it is. I didn’t want to bother you or anyone else when you had enough to worry about on your own. I mean, the last thing you’d all need is having to deal with something as... lame as this.”

This time, Taeyong sits up. “How can you _say_ that?” he chides, and it’s louder, more worked up than he’d intended to be. “Haven’t I told you enough? There’s nothing more important to me in this world than you, Jae. Making sure you’re okay, making sure our _team_ is okay, that’s my duty.”

“I know, I know, it’s just—” Jaehyun lets himself trail off, not really knowing what to say, but not that he gets the chance to either, as his own anxiety beats him to it.

Jaw clenching hard to stop himself from crying, Jaehyun buries his face deeper into the pillow. “I’m sorry.”

“...Don’t apologise,” is all Taeyong manages. “It’s not your fault. No one’s blaming you for anything, so please just... stop.”

He doesn’t know when it starts, he doesn’t even realize it when the back of his eyes begin to sting, but it’s getting harder to hold it in, the dam that’s threatening to break; Taeyong doesn’t think he can anymore. He doesn’t notice it himself when his lips had started to tremble along with his breaths, the same time his voice cracked with a dangerous waver that’s impossible to miss, and that’s when he breaks. Jaehyun looks up not a second later, just as the first glimmer of a tear trickles down Taeyong’s face, and he catches it before it disappears past his chin. God, _Taeyong’s crying_.

“Hyung,” Jaehyun calls, suddenly all over Taeyong, no longer miles away but urgent in the way he’s reaching for him. He's sitting up and pulling them both upright on the bed, holding Taeyong close, hands cupped over his tear-streaked face. “Y-Yong, why are you—”

“I-I’m sorry, _I’m sorry_ , I was just— so god damn _worried_ ," Taeyong cries out, voice small with desperation, and he digs his fingers into the front of Jaehyun’s shirt, visibly quivering from the force of his breakdown. "I'm not mad. I-I swear I'm not, but it’s just... these last couple of weeks, they weren’t easy, okay? I’ve seen what you’ve been doing to yourself, Jae. I‘ve seen everything, how you’ve been suffering by yourself, how you’ve been bottling your feelings up and pretended to be fine when you’re not. And I just— I wanted to be there for you, you know? I mean, I’m your boyfriend, aren’t I? We’re supposed to lean on each other, supposed to be there for each other, not hide when things get tough. And we used to tell each other everything— but this past month, you were just, so _distant_ , and I hated it, I hated how you thought you couldn’t come to me when you were having those sort of feelings.”

He has to pause to catch himself, to keep himself from rambling. “I mean, I don't know it’s something I’ve done that made you think that you can’t come to me anymore, but if that’s really the case, then I’m sorry. I’m sorry, for not being there for you, for what I couldn’t do for you—”

" _What_ -? No, s _top_. Don’t say that," Jaehyun cuts in, gaping at him in disbelief. "Hyung, it’s not even your fault— How can you think it is?”

“And why not? I knew you were going through stuff, but what did I do? _Nothing_. I should’ve done something, anything when I could have, but I didn’t. I didn’t do _anything_ , Jae. A-And then you fainted—”

“No, stop it. Stop blaming yourself. None of this can ever be your fault.”

“Then why?” Taeyong urges, weeps turning into full-blown sobs; he’s barely breathing, trembling from how hard he’s crying, and every sound he makes just breaks Jaehyun’s heart even more. “Why, Jae? Why did you have to make me worry about you like that?”

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun repeats, urgently clinging onto him, pressing his forehead to his. “Please don’t- you know how I get when you cry. _I’m sorry_ , I-I didn’t know what to do— I just— didn't have the courage to face you, not like this, not when I wasn’t good enough—wasn’t _strong_ enough to do that. I knew this was gonna upset you, and I didn’t _want_ you to be upset. You were already stressed enough over schedules, you barely ate and slept and— I didn’t want to tire you out more with something as silly as this. You didn’t deserve that. You _don’t_.”

“And seriously, you’re the biggest idiot in this entire planet, you know that?” Taeyong chides for the umpteenth time, but he moves back just enough to look the other in the eye. “Jung Jaehyun, I _love_ you. I love you so damn much, and I don’t care about what anyone says, but I’m _always_ going to be there for you, no matter what the odds are, no matter how much you think you’re not worthy to be cared for. I’ve said it before and I’m gonna say it again— I’m always going to be tired, but never, _never_ of you. How can I ever be? You’re passionate, thoughtful, humble, so full of kindness— you always put yourself before others without expecting anything in return, so screw everybody else. There’s nothing about you that can ever chase me away.”

Another wave of tears spills past his lids, drenching the flushed skin of his cheeks. “You’re the best thing that's ever happened to me in this world, Jaehyun. I just... _wish_ you could see yourself the way I see you.”

“I know, baby I know, and I’m sorry,” Jaehyun whispers the words right against Taeyong’s lips. " _I'm sorry._ "

It’s all too much to take for Taeyong right now, the flurry of emotions that are setting off inside him like a surging storm. They're raw and hurt like one big open wound inside him, but amongst all that, it’s nothing compared to the rush he feels when Jaehyun tugs him close, hugging him against his chest and brimming with tears that match his own.

Like a fallen petal wilting in the wind, Taeyong gives up trying to hold himself, and surrenders to the arms wrapped so comfortingly around him. He brings his own hands up to clutch onto the brunette’s shirt, heart swelling at the way Jaehyun clings onto him — with a need that's filled with more sincerity and gratitude than words can ever outweigh.

"Taeyong—"

“Don’t say it, don't apologize," Taeyong says in a rush, burying himself deeper into Jaehyun’s embrace. "It’s...okay. You're okay, and that’s all that matters. You don't have to be sorry for anything.”

“But-“

“Jae, please. I mean it.”

It’s not the end of it yet. Taeyong can tell there’s still so much that Jaehyun has yet to say and admit to him from the troubled look in his eyes, but that’s okay. He knows Jaehyun‘s not fully convinced by whatever he’d said either, but that’s okay too. Tonight, at least, Jaehyun’s safe and here with him, back home in his arms, and that’s all that matters.

Jaehyun’s back home with him.

“...I really don't deserve you,” Jaehyun mutters, lips already bruised from how hard he’d been chewing on them. He lets Taeyong draw away from him, lets him break their contact by mere centimeters, meets his eyes when he glances up.

“And I could say the same thing to you, too,” Taeyong says, as he takes in Jaehyun's still sullen form. “But... I think we've had enough of that argument for tonight, don't you think?”

He hasn’t stopped crying yet, not exactly. His lashes are still wet, his nose is red and fresh tears keep trickling down his eyes. But even so, the slightest fraction of a smile graces Taeyong's face, and it's tender enough to take Jaehyun's breath away.

Lifting a hand towards the back of Jaehyun’s head, Taeyong slips it through the silky strands of it, and when he does, a single sigh escapes Jaehyun’s chest; it's a soundless cry of relief, a cry he's been holding back for centuries. Just like that, the heated atmosphere that once filled the space between them fades into nothing but warmth, and that’s all it takes, really, for every ounce of anxiety in Jaehyun's muscles to dissipate.

“...Yeah,” he whispers, feeling his own lips curving upwards as he glances back at Taeyong. “I guess we do.”

Everything falls into silence between them then, albeit momentarily; there's only a mere pause, before Jaehyun's raising a hand towards his boyfriend's face, and rubbing gently over his cheek, he thumbs the last of his tears away. "Are you... going to stop crying now?"

"Idiot," Taeyong huffs, breaking into an even wider smile as he gives Jaehyun’s shoulder a playful shove. "I'll stop when you stop. Which, by the way, you're taking responsibility for making me cry in the first place." He's sulking when he says it, but the amusement twinkling in his eyes tells Jaehyun otherwise. "Now accept your punishment and give me that whole month-worth of hugs and kisses you've deprived me of. Right now."

" _Really_." Jaehyun grins genuinely this time, wide enough for his dimples to show. "You look like you're gonna pass out any second, babe."

"As if. I'm stronger than that, _babe_." The endearment has Taeyong half-laughing, half-blushing, and he finds it in himself to settle back into Jaehyun's hold, slumping against him as he brings his hands down to place them over his broad shoulders. There's a second that he hesitates, but he climbs into his boyfriend's lap anyway, straddling his hips with the cutest shade of pink dusting his cheeks.

Jaehyun doesn't hold back his chuckle when he realizes what Taeyong's doing; expectantly, he catches Taeyong's waist in the midst, palms splaying across the delicate curves of it, and he tugs Taeyong flush against him, relishing every point of contact their bodies make.

"I do agree, though. You've always been the strongest of us.”

"Well, I guess that's true, considering it does take a lot of mental power to look after nine wild and crazy rascals like you," Taeyong muses. He tightens his arms around Jaehyun, leaning in just enough for their noses to touch. "But it's not that hard. Wanna know a secret?"

"...What?"

A chuckle, and then Taeyong is leaning past him to whisper in his ear, " _You_. You're the one who makes me strong, Jung Jaehyun. I'm nothing if I don't have you, so please, don't ever leave me, because you're the only thing in this world that makes me strong."

It’s not that this is the first time he’s hearing something like this, or the first time that Taeyong’s saying those words at all, but Jaehyun has to take a whole minute before he lets them sink in his head, and by the time he snaps out of it, Taeyong's already gazing back at him, wearing with the most heartwarming smile on his face.

It's uncanny, he thinks, how small Taeyong actually is that he fits so perfectly in his arms, yet at the same time, he's the same person that makes him feel like the whole world is right in his hands. He doesn't get how Taeyong can sound so sure of himself either, when he's telling him all those things and it's enough that he almost believes them; but that's where it all started really, the first time Jaehyun truly believed in himself, truly believed there are miracles in the world, and the first time he dared to believe in something called love.

It all started with Taeyong.

“Jaehyun?” the pink-haired male calls, soft yet loud enough to catch Jaehyun's attention. He responds with a questioning hum.

“You can kiss me now.”

The moment begins like all the other kisses they shared, slow like gentle waves dragging along golden sand, and pure like they’ve never been touched before. So full of longing, like they’ve got all the time in the world to have each other.

Taeyong’s breath hitches as it always does when Jaehyun closes the gap between them, when Jaehyun cups his face and brushes their lips ever so softly together, eyes fluttering shut from the rush of mutual affection. Jaehyun is sweet as he ever is, nothing but careful when he presses further towards Taeyong, moves against his mouth a little more each time. There’s no hurry whatsoever; they don’t rush and frankly there’s no reason to, not when it's like the rest of the world is fading away with every second they fall into each other. Jaehyun pulls back only to lean in again, and he kisses Taeyong deeper, longer, savoring every inch of him like it’s his last.

In so many ways, Jaehyun loves just how good Taeyong feels against him, loves how snugly he fits in his embrace, as if he’s made to be held like this, held only by him. Taeyong drapes his arms around Jaehyun’s shoulders, melting from the pair of lips moving over his own and kisses back just as fervently, laying all his emotions bare in them. Jaehyun can't seem to keep his hands to himself; they trail down Taeyong’s sides, dig into the small of his back and wrap around his waist, all while the older fights the shudders running through his skin. He's trying hard to keep up but Jaehyun's fingers don't stop wandering, don't stop pulling him in, gradually clouding his mind with euphoria; he reels in the delightful warmth that spreads over him from their proximity — yet, he doesn't think it'll ever be enough.

Taeyong’s fairly panting by the time they part, when they break from the kiss with shaky breaths. It’s fleeting, lasting only for a heartbeat, but it’s a heartbeat too long and the fingers in Jaehyun's hair are already tightening, already drawing him back again. Pushing himself higher over Jaehyun's thighs, Taeyong meets him halfway, lips falling open; he lets Jaehyun take it further, lets him slip his tongue into the heat of his mouth. Everything else that follows after unfurls in a blur — Jaehyun doesn't get to think it over before he's sliding his hands under the hem of Taeyong's shirt, pushing the flimsy material aside to graze over warm, naked skin; right now, there's nothing more beautiful, Jaehyun thinks, than the sound of Taeyong's breath rushing past his lips.

_God, he’s so dazzling._

Truly, Taeyong doesn't understand himself sometimes, how he's still so sensitive like this, even though his body is no stranger to Jaehyun's hands — or lips, for that matter. The shivers wracking through him come in endless waves the same time Jaehyun's fingers trail higher, ghosting over the bumps of his spine. He really doesn't want to, but Taeyong has to break the kiss from how hard his chest is burning, and he buries his face into the curve of Jaehyun's shoulder to ground himself; though it seems, Jaehyun is far from done, so he takes the chance to press a line of kisses over Taeyong's neck.

This time, a small moan escapes from Taeyong's throat, and the sheer pleasure that jolts through him has him reeling.

“J- _Jae_ , wait—”

"Do you want me to stop?" Jaehyun asks, voice soft in Taeyong's ears, and deep with affection. His lips aren't on the other anymore, but his arms haven't broken their hold on him yet, hands remaining where they'd paused by his waist.

Taeyong shakes his head, still nestled against Jaehyun. "No. You can... take it off."

While Jaehyun doesn't need to be told twice, he does hesitate for a moment from the way Taeyong’s eyes are on him, anticipating, and raising the shirt over his boyfriend’s body with measured patience, he marvels at every inch of bare, alabaster skin that's left uncovered. He barely realizes he'd been holding his breath the whole time, until Taeyong's reaching over to pull his shirt off too, and a sigh rumbles out of his chest as the smaller male relaxes against him, desire surging through him in hot waves at the thrilling brush of bare skin on skin.

There’s a tenderness to the way Jaehyun guides his lips across Taeyong’s body, hands gliding appreciatively over his waist as he presses kisses along Taeyong’s jaw, marking a spot at the back of his ear. An innocent caress, then Jaehyun’s pressing further, sucking lightly as he goes, lips trailing down to brush along the expanse of his neck and mapping out his skin like wanderlust. Taeyong tastes so much like sanctuary that Jaehyun just can’t help himself; he doesn't stop, only continuing his descent, leaving faint, blooming marks all over the skin in his wake, and it takes Taeyong everything he has to remain still, to keep the sounds threatening to spill from his mouth to himself.

They may have been all alone in Jaehyun's room, but they're most definitely not the only ones in the dorm. The last thing he wants is for any of their members to figure out what's going on between them (he'd rather not wake up to spend an entire morning dealing with Johnny's wolf whistles, or Donghyuk's savage teasing).

Needless to say, Taeyong doesn’t do a very good job on that; it’s all he can bear before he’s reaching out to cup Jaehyun's face in his hands with a headlong whine, and ever so desperately, he connects their lips back in an open-mouthed kiss.

“ _Yong_ ,” Jaehyun rasps, in between kisses when he senses Taeyong beginning to press insistently against him. “Baby- wait.”

“Stop teasing me,” Taeyong groans, voice small and laced with need. “I want you. I want you right now.”

The rawness it in catches him offguard, but much like all his other hints, Jaehyun gets it, the silent request Taeyong’s too timid to say out loud. It’s been too long, too long since the older’s had Jaehyun like this, since he’s felt him like this and it’s not enough, he just wants Jaehyun to etch himself into his skin until the only things he feels are the warmth of his hands and mouth all over.

Clouded by the thoughts dawning on him, Jaehyun instinctively trails his hands down to slide over Taeyong’s ass, cupping it with a gentle squeeze.

“You know, you’re pretty cute when you’re all impatient,“ he chuckles, and drags his fingers along the elder’s thighs, sneaking right under the edge of Taeyong’s shorts where they’d ridden up so high. “Are you sure, though? I mean, we’re not exactly alone, the others are just next door. They could hear us.”

As if he’d already considered it, Taeyong merely smiles. “Guess we’ll just have to be really quiet, then.”

It sounds like a challenge, one so very tempting and reckless as the man himself is right now, but Jaehyun’s barely in the right mind to object.

Yeah, his boyfriend should really come with a warning label sometimes — caution: _highly irresistible_.

“Alright. Tell me what you want, then. I’ll give it to you. Anything you want.”

Jaehyun's got a playful grin on his face when he says them; still, the words send a flutter through Taeyong’s chest anyway, mostly from how loving Jaehyun sounds, and Taeyong knows, just how much the brunette’s actually holding back. He’s always been sweet like that, always asking first what Taeyong wants before doing anything.

But tonight, Taeyong has other plans in mind, ones a little different from their norms.

Moving before he can stop himself, he leans in to indulge in another bruising kiss, palms grazing over the hard planes of Jaehyun’s chest.

“Can you...lie down for a bit?” Taeyong asks after a while, the request a breathy whisper against Jaehyun’s lips. He pulls away slightly to look at Jaehyun in the eye, foreheads still pressed closely to his, and continues in a tiny voice, “I...want to make you feel good.”

It’s clear he doesn’t expect it, from the way Jaehyun gapes at him in genuine surprise and blinks in slight confusion, as if he hadn’t heard him right. But Taeyong doesn’t budge, doesn’t even shy away, and Jaehyun has to hold back a shudder when he feels Taeyong’s hands skimming lower, fingertips tracing along the contours of his muscles.

“Can I?” Taeyong asks again, innocent despite the desire pooling in his eyes. “You said anything I want.”

Like he’d even have the heart to say no, Jaehyun finds himself nodding, muttering a soft O-Of course, and greatly distracted by the blinding smile Taeyong regards him with, he lets the other push him down to lie on his bed, gentle and slow with a hand on his shoulder.

Jaehyun watches as Taeyong climbs over him, body stretching out over his and thighs spread on either side of him, the brush of their bare bodies exhilarating when he leans in for another kiss. The touch seems to ignite a spark somewhere inside him, and his arms come up instinctively to wind around Taeyong, pulling him closer like he’s finally giving in to the urge; he wants to cherish every moment he gets to spend with him like this, but then Taeyong’s lips are slipping from his before he knows it, already trailing down towards his jaw in slow successions.

The drag of Taeyong's mouth is tender, appreciative over Jaehyun’s skin as they kiss a warm path down his neck, ghosting along his chest. Taeyong barely holds back, leaving occasional bites as he goes, grazing his tongue lightly over Jaehyun’s smooth, pale skin, and drawing tiny moans whenever he sucks hard enough.

Every kiss is a fragment of affection engraved into his soul, each one more enamored than the last, so deliberately placed that Jaehyun's trembling by the time Taeyong dips down to suck along the bumps of his stomach, breaths growing shallower with every inch that Taeyong descends. It’s like a smothering heat's settled itself in the pit of his gut, setting his nerves ablaze wherever Taeyong touches him, only burning hotter the closer Taeyong gets to where he really wants him to be.

Jaehyun thinks he can't take it anymore, but then Taeyong's fingers are sliding down towards the waistband of his boxers, tugging at it and pulling it down low enough to release his aching, already hard cock. It's almost embarrassing how aroused he is right now, just from being kissed and touched as he had been, but it's _Taeyong_ that's doing those things to him, _Taeyong_ that's between his legs now, and it's _always_ different with Taeyong; he nearly shies away under the heat of those eyes as they flit over his body with awe.

Jaehyun genuinely expects Taeyong to pull his boxers all the way off at this point, and _god_ , he really wants him to, but he doesn't, and just like that, Taeyong leans forward to close his warm, soft mouth over the tip.

All at once, a gasp resonates through the room, just as Jaehyun’s body reacts immediately with a violent jerk the instant Taeyong goes down on him.

Taeyong has a hand pressed against Jaehyun's hips, bracing himself above his quivering thighs as he tugs the boxers lower, and pulling off with a light sound, he takes him in again, lips parting to wrap around the younger's dripping, sensitive cock. Guiding his fingers to curl over the base, Taeyong drags his tongue along the side of Jaehyun's length, grazing the tip with gentle kisses all over before ducking down to take him in his mouth once more, sliding further and further each time.

Jaehyun throws his head back against the pillows with a groan from how deep Taeyong takes him, resisting against the urge to buck up into the heat of his mouth, his own hands digging into the sheets at his sides. The heavy feeling surrounds him like a stifling wave, filling his chest with so much warmth it’s like he could burst any moment, and Taeyong revels in the sounds the brunette lets out, loving the way his boyfriend’s unraveling beneath him. He relaxes with a pleasant hum around him, eyes falling shut as he slides his lips up and down Jaehyun’s cock in the most perfect rhythm, licking and sucking with every move he makes.

Neither of them know how long it's been, but it’s getting too much for Jaehyun to bear, the pressure that's building in his stomach. There’s no way he can last like this, and he knows he's going to regret it, but he lets his gaze trail down anyway, taking in the sight before him with wide eyes. He doesn't get it, how Taeyong can still look so beautiful at a time like this, when he’s got his pretty, _pretty_ lips wrapped around his cock; he really shouldn't, but then again, Taeyong's _always_ been beautiful, which is what he is right now, with his eyes closed and lashes fanning so delicately over his cheeks, making Jaehyun feel things only Taeyong's ever capable of giving.

Naturally, Taeyong knows Jaehyun is close, from the way his muscles are tensing under him. A hand finds its way around the back of his neck, curling tightly over the skin in silent warning, and getting the message, Taeyong pulls off with a final suck, though he keeps his fingers clasped around Jaehyun's length, stroking him slowly. The moment he looks up, Jaehyun’s already reaching out to him, already pulling him back up again and tugging the smaller close over his body; connecting their lips once more in a searing, heated kiss, he flips them over in one swift movement, and presses Taeyong hastily down into the sheets.

“J-Jaehyun,” Taeyong stutters, the second their bodies touch, the second Jaehyun towers over him and sends another wave of desire pulsing through him, “Baby, _please_.”

He doesn’t even know what he’s asking for, really. He just wants to feel, wants Jaehyun to _do_ something, anything at all. It seems to be eons before Jaehyun finally eases up and pulls away, but when he does, he’s up on his knees with hands on his boxers, and Taeyong watches with marveled patience as his boyfriend tugs the last piece of garment off, before fingers are coming to hook over his boxers too. Lifting his hips just enough, Taeyong lets Jaehyun pull them off, lets him toss them away carelessly onto the floor, and the anticipation leaves his toes curling into the sheets.

Jaehyun is back over him within a heartbeat, body sliding over his the same time he leans in to kiss him, and instinctively, Taeyong’s legs fall open, allowing the younger to settle against him with nothing but bare, burning skin between them, arms finding their place around his strong shoulders. Hands braced over the pillow on either side of him, Jaehyun kisses Taeyong long and deep, just the way he likes it, taking great satisfaction in how the other’s practically trembling, shivering beneath him. Taeyong doesn’t hide his whimpers this time when Jaehyun’s hips brush against his, only drowning further into the fuzzy headspace every time their cocks slide together; it’s just so pure, so raw as it should be, the feeling of having him so close like this and in a way no else can, that Jaehyun can’t seem to hold himself back — though, not that Taeyong wants him to, not at all.

“Are you going to let me touch you now?” Jaehyun asks, somewhere between the kisses he’s leaving, lips nuzzling along Taeyong’s neck.

It’s just a simple touch, but the shivers rush through him immediately, thrilling like traces of stardust dancing beneath his skin, and Taeyong arches up pliantly, wanting to chase the feeling so bad, wanting to feel more of Jaehyun on him.

“ _Please_ ,” he mutters, as if it’s the only word he knows, and like that’s all the permission he’s been waiting for, Jaehyun presses one last kiss to Taeyong’s collarbone, before dipping his head down to graze his lips over his ribs.

The moans escaping him have escalated to staccato breaths, so much that Taeyong has to bite his lip hard just to keep them muffled, the lower Jaehyun trails his kisses; he mouths along his navel, marks a path over to his hipbones, drops open kisses all the way down to his inner thighs. He sucks on the soft, milky skin there, sighing in absolute fondness, relishing the little whimpers and light trembles Taeyong responds with wherever his lips skim over.

Lifting his head up slightly, Taeyong tries to follow Jaehyun’s movements, tries to anticipate what he thinks is likely to come next, but it’s way too dark in the room, he could barely make out the figure on him even with the faint glow of moonlight. He knows it’s going to hit him soon, yet no matter how many times it’s been, nothing will ever prepare Taeyong for the delirious heat that consumes him the moment Jaehyun takes his cock in his mouth; hands naturally find their place on his hips, Jaehyun holds Taeyong down over the sheets, before beginning to suck.

"J-Jae," Taeyong starts, voice wavering dangerously as he reaches down to clutch at Jaehyun’s shoulder. "Jaehyun, _stop_ \- I'm going to _come_."

Jaehyun doesn’t let up, not just yet, and at a particularly hard suck, Taeyong whines, squirming under him in attempt to arch away from the mouth on him. 

“Oh baby, don’t you want to?” Jaehyun smirks when he pulls off, chuckling against his pulsing length.

It leaves Taeyong flushing all the way to the tips of his toes, and he digs his fingers weakly into Jaehyun’s nape. “...Not without you,” he mumbles, already sounding so drained, _so fucked out_.

Despite the evident pleasure he‘s thriving in from getting to see Taeyong like this, Jaehyun climbs back up over his boyfriend’s trembling body with a tender smile, almost at his peak himself, and kisses him on the lips, before straightening up to get off the bed completely.

When Jaehyun returns, he’s settled on his knees right at the edge of Taeyong’s spread legs, bottle of lube open in one hand, and the other drawing gentle strokes across Taeyong’s hip.

“Relax,” he whispers. “Relax yourself for me, baby.”

It seems to be hours before it comes, but at the first touch of those fingers against him, now slicked with lube, Taeyong shivers in anticipation, his own hands twisting to curl into the sheets beside him. Jaehyun’s fingers slip in with ease, sliding all the way in right past the tight ring of his hole, yet Taeyong jumps slightly, more out of unfamiliarity than discomfort. Indeed, it’s been long since the last time they’d had sex, his body is not as quick to ease into it as he’d usually be. But Jaehyun preps him slowly, ever so gently, cautious as he ever is with his full attention on the smaller.

Taeyong takes a while to adjust to the sensations, a while before he’s relaxing around him at last, and when he does, he feels Jaehyun’s fingers beginning to move, beginning to slide in and out and graze along the walls inside him. Making him feel so, _so_ good. Clearly marveling at the sight of the elder beginning to unwind under him, Jaehyun takes his time stretching Taeyong, nice and slow, leaving whispers of praise all over his skin.

By the time he’s got four fingers in, Taeyong’s all but left whining, whimpering, and a hand shoots out to grip Jaehyun’s wrist when his fingers press over a particular spot inside him.

“Baby, _please_ — I-I’m ready, I want you right now—“ Taeyong has to cut himself off to make way for the sob that’s logged at the back of his throat. Finally seeming to sense the other’s insistent, frenzied need, Jaehyun looks up, eyes drinking him in.

“Do you want me to...” The brunette trails off, but not that he needed to complete the rest of the sentence anyway, for Taeyong to understand what he’s too shy to ask.

“No, you don’t have to. Not tonight,” Taeyong shakes his head, the movement small. “I want to feel you, all of you.”

“Are you sure?” Jaehyun asks again, and it earns him a nod.

“I...like it better when you’re not wearing one.”

Smiling at him with all the love he has in the world, Jaehyun places one last kiss on Taeyong, lingering, before giving in at last and pulls his fingers out completely to draw back from him. Tugging the smaller up along with him, he lets Taeyong slip back into his lap with smooth, milky thighs on either side of him, straddling him once more.

Being held so close to him like this, Taeyong can feel how hard Jaehyun is, the tip of his length already pressed up against his entrance, and the suspense of it all surrounds him heavily; his arms wind around Jaehyun’s shoulders, forehead pressed to his and legs this close to giving out under him, body shivering all over.

Even so, Jaehyun waits.

It’s Taeyong who moves first, albeit hesitantly when he eventually pushes himself down, sinking slowly over Jaehyun’s slick cock and his legs do give out then, just from how _full_ he feels, like the wind’s knocked right out of him the moment Jaehyun is pressed in to the hilt. Taeyong’s hold on him tightens, fingers digging a little too deep into his back and he buries himself into the brunette’s chest, gasping. Jaehyun’s hands do nothing to pacify the tension that’s spreading through the other, only fueling the flames blazing under his skin wherever his palms trail over; Taeyong doesn’t stop trembling, thighs quivering so hard it sends a heavy shudder right up Jaehyun’s spine.

It takes him everything he has not to burst right there and then when he feels Taeyong tighten around him — because fuck, Taeyong just feels _that_ good.

“J-Jae,” the elder breathes, panting against Jaehyun’s shoulder. “You c-can, move now.”

Still acting with caution, Jaehyun waits for Taeyong to relax a little more, eyes trained on him to catch his reactions before he does move, and just once, he pushes his hips up into Taeyong, experimentally, taking in the tiny moan that slips out from him. Then he does it again — twice, _thrice_ — watching as Taeyong practically crumbles above him, losing himself in the heat of desire every time Taeyong’s clenching harder around his cock.

The sight alone leaves a groan forcing its way right out of his throat. “S-Shit, Yong— Are you—“

“I’m fine. I’m fine, just— don’t stop,” Taeyong says, muttering the words into Jaehyun’s neck. “Don’t worry, it feels good. _You_ feel good.”

And he just can’t deny himself anymore, not when Taeyong looks like _this_ — so aroused, so absolutely ethereal wrapped up in his arms and begging, wanting no one else but _him_ — so Jaehyun doesn’t hold back, not the slightest as he pulls Taeyong in closer, tighter, no longer able to resist the wild urges taking over him. Arms securing their hold on Taeyong’s waist once more, Jaehyun lifts him slightly to slide out slow, just enough to leave the head of his cock still pressing into Taeyong. Then, all at once, he thrusts back in, hard enough to draw out a loud, startled moan out of the other.

“F-Fuck, _Jaehyun_ ,” Taeyong sputters, the cry a breathless whimper against his lover’s mouth. “J- _Jae_ —“

It’s the only thing he gets to say before Jaehyun’s lips are back on him, mouth hot against his and kissing him like he’s never going to get enough of the sweetness that’s etched in those very lips.

Sensing his growing restlessness, Jaehyun lets Taeyong cling onto him, gives him a moment to catch his breath before he’s sliding out again, and he thrusts in deeper, _faster_ , setting a steady pace between them as he fucks into Taeyong hard, over and over. He feels Taeyong’s hips squirming, moving against his erratically and he lowers his hands to grab onto them instead, coaxing him to push down more comfortably against his crotch. Seemingly getting the hint, Taeyong begins rolling his hips down the same time Jaehyun thrusts up, and cries out into his mouth from how much deeper he’s being filled, Jaehyun’s length hitting him in all the right spots inside.

Taeyong’s struggling to keep up with Jaehyun’s kisses, faltering when he feels the heat building, the searing burn that’s been pooling in his stomach and he tries hard to focus on anything else but that, to keep himself from slipping too fast. But it’s frustrating, how overwhelmed he feels; it’s all just so fucking right, having Jaehyun inside him like this that he just wants it to last, to brandish the taste of euphoria into his skin, and yet, he wants to chase it until it’s shoving him over the edge. 

“J-Jae, _fuck_ ,“ Taeyong sobs, pulling away and his fingers leave stinging marks all over Jaehyun’s back. His legs give way under him, no longer strong enough to hold his weight up. “I-I can’t anymore- _please_ , I can’t-“

“I got you,” Jaehyun says, hands already back on him. “I got you, baby. _I got you_.”

Without pulling out, Jaehyun keeps his hold on Taeyong, lifting him up to carefully maneuver them back down on his bed, and gently placing him over the sheets, Taeyong’s under him once more, with his head pressed against the pillow and arms laying limply by his sides. Hooking his own arms under Taeyong’s legs, Jaehyun leans forward to reach for those very hands, palms sliding together and fingers intertwining as he pushes Taeyong’s thighs up, holding them open and propped over his shoulders, before he’s eventually pushing back in all over again.

Lips falling open as another string of whimpers escape him, Taeyong's hands clasp tightly over Jaehyun’s, very literally holding on to his last thread of restraint when the brunette picks up his pace, thrusting into him with the same rhythm as he had before and driving him closer to the edge. The pleasure of it all leaves him sensitive all over, that Taeyong can't help but arch insistently against him, body shaking with a desperation that matched his sobs.

“Kiss me,” he begs, weakly tugging at the hands wrapped around his. “Kiss me, _please._ ”

And of course, Jaehyun indulges in the request, just as eager to have Taeyong's lips back on his too.

Being pressed up to him like this, Taeyong feels every roll of Jaehyun’s hips on him all the way down to his gut, feels the friction right on his own aching cock every time Jaehyun’s body slides over his. At some point, Jaehyun’s grip on him eases off, hands straying to grab onto the sheets at his side instead and Taeyong immediately reaches up, winding his arms around the younger to pull him in, closer than ever, fingers aching with the need to touch him again.

Jaehyun finally lets Taeyong's legs go the same time he’s pressing him further into the sheets, barely able to focus on kissing anymore as he fucks into him harder, faster, knowing he’s close from the shifts in his cries, the way he’s tensing and clenching around him. It doesn't take any much longer than that before he’s feeling his own release building up too, just as Taeyong’s legs come to wrap around his hips; the move is a hint he’s dropping, one Jaehyun understands without question, and deciding to let himself go at last, he shuts his eyes, lets the feeling take over him then.

Taeyong’s the one who comes first, spilling all over his stomach with a strangled, broken moan, and Jaehyun follows just moments after, filling the elder up completely inside, the feeling of it wracking through his body with a violent shudder. Jaehyun’s movements don't halt right away; he wraps a hand around Taeyong’s length, stroking him slowly through the aftershocks, all while he continues thrusting, letting Taeyong ride his orgasm out.  It’s only when Taeyong’s squirming that he lets go, and sensing the elder growing limp under him, Jaehyun finally pulls out with a groan of his own, before collapsing into the space right next to him.

Laying quietly against each other, they stay like that for a while, Jaehyun panting softly into Taeyong’s hair, as Taeyong naturally shifts towards him. Feeling the haze of their high lingering like static on his skin, he snuggles into Jaehyun’s chest, nuzzles him tenderly as he does, and welcomes the arms slipping around him with an affectionate sigh.

Arms. The arms that always feel like home, that always hold him like he’s worth everything the world has to offer.

Indeed, there’s nowhere else Taeyong would rather be, if not in Jaehyun’s arms.

“Don’t go anywhere,” Taeyong says, words muffled from how closely pressed up he is into Jaehyun, soft with fatigue. “Just, stay.”

“Hyung, at least let me clean you up first—”

“Later,” he insists, clinging tighter onto the other as if to stand his ground. His legs move to tangle around Jaehyun’s. “Now stop thinking and come hug me already.”

Unable to hide the affection blooming inside him any longer, Jaehyun of course, gives in and does just that, but not without leaning in to drop a kiss over Taeyong’s forehead, soft and lingering.

“I love you,” Jaehyun says first, the words earnest and pure as his eyes are, as he holds Taeyong close. “I love you, and... thank you, for tonight. For staying with me. For everything.”

Beaming fondly against him, Taeyong nestles further into his chest, savoring the warmth Jaehyun wraps him up with. “You don’t have to thank me. Just... don’t ever forget it. That I love you too, always.”

“Never,” Jaehyun smiles back, and reaching out towards one of his hands, he slides their fingers together, under the sheets. “ _Never_.”

“I’m always going to be in love with you.”

Yes, this is what it is. _Home_.

This is what it feels like.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fin.
> 
> Thank you to anyone who's made it to the end of this??! This fic turned out to be 3 times longer than I initially expected but whew, it's finally complete! Please do leave a comment with your thoughts, (or nah), and I hope you somehow managed to find some joy in this story :")
> 
> So, I'm actually working on another Jaeyong story (more than one, actually), and I've been meaning to post something new but I can't decide which storyline to post yet, as such I'd love if you could cast your vote and help me choose!
> 
> As of now, I have: 1. This Side of Home (College Romance!AU) / 2. Bloodfire (Historical/War!AU) / 3. When The Stars Were Ours (Historical/Time-Slip!AU) / 4. Eden (Mafia/Crime!AU) / 5. You, Me, and Everything In Between (Long-Lost Lovers!AU) / and 6. Stars Fall, and the World Turns Blind (Model!AU).
> 
> Once again, thank you for reading! Till next time ♡
> 
> Chat with me on [Twitter](https://www.twitter.com/butterjaehyun)!


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